I have always felt like I was two different people: one in RCF and another with my non-Christian friends. I thought I was such a fake and sometimes I still do. With my non-Christian friends, I feel more comfortable with myself. But with RCF, I act like another person. Maybe it was my fault. I gave everyone the impression that I was a shy girl who had nothing to say. I was so afraid to be myself that I just drew myself into a corner; because of a self-fulfilling prophecy I dug the hole deeper and deeper every time.
Besides personal struggles, I struggled to be around other Christians. I was not as knowledgeable about the bible as them and I couldn’t pray as well as them. Praying out loud is so common in RCF, but it was so foreign to me — I had never heard of people praying out loud before I came to RCF. I love how some are very poetic in their prayers, but it’s so scary to me at the same time. I thought my prayers were not at the same level. Being a newly-converted Christian (being saved in freshman year), I felt so far off from everybody else. There were moments when I truly questioned why I’m in RCF in the first place.
I hated myself for being this way, for being so two-faced. It seems as if I lost my sense of self — I always adapted to however people reacted to me and I acted accordingly. It was my way, if not an unhealthy way, of interacting with the world.
But through it all, God has shown me his never-ending love in so many different ways. In the first large group I went to after a semester of not going was truly impacting. Though it was the sermon about singleness, God spoke to me differently. I was literally hit with a wave of emotion and He made me realize just how He truly loves me, as imperfect and sinful as I am. And God has made me realize that I’m at RCF for a reason. The very first day I met people from RCF (Jon C., Terrance, and Dan Chun) was no act of coincidence — it was an act of God. That alone made me realize that through all my insecurities, God has a purpose for me at RCF. Though I cannot see the purpose yet, I trust God in His plans for me.
I am still struggling but God has made it possible for me to carry through each day. Knowing He loves me unconditionally brings me a joy and happiness that has no comparison. I cannot do anything that will make Him love me any more or any less. I don’t have to pretend to be anyone else. He loves me 100% right here, right now. This brings me a comfort that can never be explained by human words. The pain and insecurity that I feel right now, and inevitably in the future, is always and will always be covered by His love that knows no end.
Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. ~Hebrews 11:1
So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. ~Ephesians 3:17-19